FFXIII: Pre-Coital Disappointment

I was looking at our meager shelf of PS3 games, determined to play one now that the PS3 is back on its feet and we finished Little Big Planet 2. Boy, was that ever a disappointment as well. But more on that later.

I looked inquisitively at Valkyria Chronicles and then back at FFXIII. I knew VC wouldn't disappoint me but I'd given up on FFXIII. Maybe I'd been too hasty on giving up on it, maybe I didn't give it the chance it deserved. I mean, a lot of time and money went into its development, it couldn't be that bad, could it?

Every single day my phone's shuffle treats me to some fond memories of the past. I even have two copies of this fanfare in there so it pops up fairly regularly.

The Final Fantasy brand meant something to me. I'll admit though, I'm not the biggest fan of FFVII. I tend to be put off by big hype trains. The first Final Fantasy I actually played was FFVIII. The story thinks too much of itself and takes some ludicrous turns some times. But the gameplay was complex enough to make me want to progress and improve and there were enough side-quests and easter eggs that made me play the game for a very long time. And Tetra Master. Oh my God, I spent a shameful amount of hours playing that card game. It was so simple and yet so addictive. It was so good they made an actual trading card game edition (of which Mike has a few cards still) and I believe there's still an online version of it going strong.

Bear in mind, Final Fantasy has disappointed us before. And when they do, they seem to want to do it twice over. Like, they want to rub it in your face. Remember FFX? Well, they went on to make an FFXII, an absurd sequel with JPop stars double-wielding pistols in skanky outfits. It was very Sailor Moonish and scary. The world didn't like FFXIII either so they squeezed out an FFXIII-2. I refused to even look into it so I have no idea what it's about.

We've had a few gems in between, when Square decides to think outside the box. FFIX was a pretty good try at returning back to the saga's roots. It was entertaining even if the story was a bit lacking. FFXII was a God send and you people have Team Ivalice to thank. From their minds spawned the wonderful Vagrant Story, Final Fantasy Tactics and Final Fantasy XII. They be awesome and I love them and I wish we could see and hear more of them.

But no, Square decided to go back to a more FFX oriented formula of futuristic settings and idiotic stories. Quite. Or maybe they had FFVII in mind seeing as the game also starts with a train. Hmm. No?

All of this went through my brain as I looked at the cover of the box, deciding whether or not I should subject myself to this again. 'Let's save Valkyria for after I'm disappointed in this', I thought. Good omen. And so I pushed the Blueray in.

During those few but long seconds of black screen until the words SquareEnix announced the show was about to start, I went over what I could recall of the story in my head. I knew there were big God-like creatures (aren't there always with these people) and these things made human slaves of sorts for themselves. The story was mostly set on a big moon-like place whose inhabitants had some phobia against the main planet below. I started cringing in fear of its convolutedness even before the intro had started. This was not going well. I pressed New Game and light a cigarette to get me through the long FMV I knew was coming.

You know how these hip japanese developers are. They love small breasted chicks showing off a lot of leg, spiky hair and plenty of jumping. I remembered this intro well and I remembered how much it had put me off the whole things. I swallowed back all these feelings and focused on finding positive things about the game, valid reasons for why I was wasting my time with this game yet again.

I'll shock you now, oh you that has played, feared and loathed the game, and tell you that I don't really mind the Paradigm system. It is very much like the Rift soul swapping system only for an entire party and you can do it mid-battle. You can resort to a mix of three characters and choose from tank, dps, rdps and healing clichés, switching around as needed. Too bad that the first time you are faced with a boss battle in which you actually get to change your Paradigm you have to do exactly what the tutorial tells you to or you die. Repeatedly. And the shifting animation takes a long time while the battle doesn't pause during it.

And that's another thing. They do love their tutorials, don't they? Last time I played the game I was getting tutorials on after four hours of playing. You'd think I'd have gotten the gist of things by then, no? The game makes it a point to tell you how stupid you are and takes you by the hand through a series of narrow hallways and repetitive enemy encounters. There isn't a single point where you can deviate from the story which you probably are having a hard time following. 'This is what you have to do and this is where you have to go,' the game will explain in a patronizing tone. 'Here, let's have another tutorial and I can show you how it's done.'

The characters are... well, let's just said that I didn't fall in love with them. I loved Balthier in FFXII from the moment I saw him. There was something specially pretentious about him (maybe you can blame Mr. Gideon Emery for my love of Balthier and fascination with Fenris). I can say I didn't really like-like any single character in FFXIII, orphaned kids, annoying kids, spiky haired femme fatales, cocky bulky hormone-ridden dudes. And Serah! God, they spend an absurdly long time yelling out 'Serah! Serah!' You know how irritating that is? Every single Sarah in a game or movie is either dying or dead or raped or missing or... Urgh. Not interested. And the story wasn't realing me in either nor was the gameplay, to be honest, and I knew there was a grinding period approaching, seeing as my reluctance to grind made me hit a wall of a boss the first time I played through it.

So I casually dismissed the game again. Not even the music was vaguely interesting. Their recycling of at least one FFX theme was annoying enough. My advice? Don't play it. It's not worth it. I'm not sure it's even worth you reading this review. Shiva is a two-broad bike ffs!

WAR: Veteran's Prerogative

I'm a veteran WAR player. You know what that means to me? To the world in general? To Mythic? It means I've had to put up with a lot of crap, a lot of bugs, injustices and bad ideas. And it means that I've paid my way through the better part of two years to do so.

I have wasted millions of renown points thanks to a renown rank cap they removed after I've gotten 5 characters to 40. I wasted dozens of hours going through PvE instances hoping for healing gear that seldom dropped, gear I eventually acquired right in time for them to implement the Harbringer changes that made all Intelligence based gear relevant to a healing Zealot. I have been pulverized by bombers, Slayer trains and every other FotM OP class. I have been overhealed for no good reason other than shorter cast times. I've been outDPSed on account of the bad class implementation bat. I've lain dead on the ground with healers trouncing all over my dead body after I've rezzed them consecutively for minutes. I've been robbed of loot and fights over crashes and graphical bugs. I've been branded a quitter when the game fumbles in loading screens. I have acquired currency that was never enough to use and has now been rendered useless. I've been killed by mobs, enemy players, backlash, guard, falling, shrubbery, walls, pebbles, Something. And, for all of this, I've paid a monthly fee.

I'm not bitter. When I get bitter I stop paying and I stop playing (as I have before). Life's too short to do something only to complain about it. I do, however, feel entitled to certain things. I will exploit the shit out of the game at any chance I get if I can get away with it without any negative repurcussions to me or my guild. I think I deserve it. I think I've endured enough bad decisions and managerial tomfoolery to warrant some shady business. Haven't we all? From being robbed silly in our real life accounts to putting up with game breaking bugs (like when some keeps became unattackable and all you could do was stare at them) we've put up with our share of shit. For a fee.

Quality in a product is not too much for a paying costumer to ask for. I don't feel I've always gotten what I paid for. In fact, I feel that people that have been paying for less time than me have it easier, what with their freshly turned 40s being over rr60. I'm not gonna beg for goodies, though. I've been paying and playing of my own accord. I wasn't forced into it. I do feel under appreciated which is probably why I feel no remorse in taking advantage of my good old mates, the bugs and exploits. I've never used third party out-right cheating tools but I've never had to. The game itself provides almost every tool for the kind of exploitation I feel entitled to. I'm a girl from the 3-manning in balcony keep takes era.

Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a cheater? Do I care? Should I care? For what it's worth, I seldom do anything shady with my main. What she is, for better or worse, is made of pure skill. But my alts... I've got a whole batallion of them. I can't always play fair. And I don't want to. It takes two to play fair. Right Mythic? After all, after all your msitakes and threats of new ones, I keep coming back. Where's my kiss on the cheek and pat on the head? When is it my turn to sit on your lap and tell you what I want? I've been a good girl all these years. Well, mostly.

Surviving Real Life, Barely

So real life's been a bit shitty lately. This internship is gobbling up most of my time. Even now I'm typing very slowly as to not make much noise and call attention to myself. The work itself is certainly not up my creek: organizing credit applications for people qho can´t afford them. Why someone that makes 600€ a month takes out a 10.000€ loan to pay 3.000€ worth of credit card debt is beyond me. And I'm helping this. And I hate it.

It's the same thing country-wise. So our international debt is paying paid off by some entity that's gonna charge us the same amount plus 6% interest? So, if we couldn't pay our debts before why would we pay them this time? What's the point? Greedy bastards, the lot of them.

Anyways. On to happier topics.

I've got nothing. I've been playing WAR on an almost daily basis. Just had a ToVL run yesterday. Managed to take a relatively green group up to the 7th boss. I rocked some awesome comebacks on near wipes in trash mobs but I was getting a bit bitchy and testy when we got to the 5th one. Seriously, what's with that? What's with the annoying bosses that are just annoying for the sake of being annoying?

I get most bosses. The first one tests your ability to kockdown. Always a handy skill to have. The second tests my individual ability to kite, regardless of lag. The third tests, for a healer, their HoTs effectiveness and for everyone, tests their spatial awareness and reflexes in jumping out of bombs. The 4th boss tests how well you work in a team and how well you can keep an eye and assist your fellow team-mates.

Now the 5th boss tests... your luck in NPC pathing, your luck in the mobs you get, your luck with parrying, your absolute luck with critical heals. Even if you know your place, your rotation, your duty, even if you know the sure-fire route to PvE victory, WAR weaves a bit of its PvP soul into it, adding a scent of unpredictability. I think that's why they keep the dungeon buggy. So it's always different, always novel in a weird non-agreeable way. Like when the 5th boss drops from the world and takes a stroll around the third boss' turf (he is, in fact the 3rd, 4th and 5th boss so I guess he's entitled).

And if by some miracle only one person dies and you make it to the sixth boss you then have to cope with the most horrendously boring PvE encounter ever designed. I wouldn't even mind having to heal thrice as much if it would take a third of the time to down them. Then when we're 20% of one scorpion's health away from winning I get swallowed by the world and I get a bit more testy.

By the time you get to the 7th boss you've seen enough of egyptian themed mobs to poke your eyes out. Getting all the aura colors right and fleeing the running mobs and not bumping into clouds can be a bit overwhelmind, seeing as all you've been doing for the last 10-30 minutes of your life has been banging on scorpions and jumping up and down on pillars.

If by some weird twist of fate you get to the 8th boss (after you've dealt with the bird staircase of doom) be prepared to learn his speech by heart because groups tend to get a bit wipey before getting its working down pat.

Well this turned out a bit like a short guide to ToVL which wasn't my intention at all. I've got so much stuff I want to share and so little time to do it in. Weird that it was ToVL what I ended up blabbing about. I don't particularly enjoy doing it past the third boss and I don't really need to do it anymore, not in my main anyway (which is the only one geared well enough for it).

I wanted to talk about my Little Big Planet adventures or my Tribulations with Phoenix Wright. Maybe finally write up a review of ME, ME2, DA or DA2. Or even talk about that inspiring city siege the other day when we turned things around so astoundingly that we were called 'unfair'.

But I write unscripted as silly as that may seem, and I don't have enough time to purge all my thoughts to keyboard.

Oh well. Here's an unrelated thingy that always cheers me up.